california/thoughts whilst driving on highway 1. (9.19.17)
like most humans,
I am full of contradictions -
appalled at your utter boyishness
as if I was one of them.
only ever partially engaged,
playing trap music in your underwear one minute
and touching me carefully the next.
perhaps it is your own insecurity that compels you to mock me
and kiss me
and hold me
and leave me be
all in the same breath.
I thought I had grown accustomed to independence, loneliness,
distancing by default.
but I couldn't help but ache floating above the clouds on the airplane
revisiting those fleeting hours,
jazz, opportunism, merits,
feeling the sadness seep through my bones
having been pushed and wanting,
to be pulled back.
I knew what it meant by you dropping the rope that sprung us back into reality
as I disintegrated away with those nights too temporary to embrace.
I secretly wished I bore the ability to bend time when I initially asked for its brevity.
even in all its infidelity,
that's what hurt most of all.
I never expected to care as much as I do now,
drifting off to fading enamorment
that you don't really desire to relive,
a connection too superficial
to wake you,
a woman normally basking in integrity and confidence
wondering what went wrong here.
The feelings don't run crushingly deep,
they are not the trenches buckling under the weight of the earth,
but they sure do miss you.
Where did we go,
where did we go
I don't know.