california/thoughts whilst driving on highway 1

like most humans,

I am full of contradictions -

appalled at your utter boyishness

as if I was one of them.

only ever partially engaged,

playing trap music in your underwear one minute

and touching me carefully the next.

perhaps it is your own insecurity that compels you to mock me

and kiss me

and hold me

and leave me be

all in the same breath.

 

I thought I had grown accustomed to independence, loneliness,

distancing by default.

but I couldn't help but ache floating above the clouds on the airplane

revisiting those fleeting hours,

jazz, opportunism, merits,

feeling the sadness seep through my bones

having been pushed and wanting,

waiting,

to be pulled back.

 

I knew what it meant by you dropping the rope that sprung us back into reality

as I disintegrated away with those nights too temporary to embrace.

I secretly wished I bore the ability to bend time when I initially asked for its brevity.

and maybe,

even in all its infidelity,

that's what hurt most of all.

 

I never expected to care as much as I do now,

drifting off to fading enamorment 

that you don't really desire to relive,

a connection too superficial

to wake you,

a woman normally basking in integrity and confidence

wondering what went wrong here.

 

The feelings don't run crushingly deep,

they are not the trenches buckling under the weight of the earth,

but they sure do miss you.

 

Where did we go,

where did we go

I don't know.